Coping: old way vs. new way

Heavenly Father,

I don't know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future. Even though powerful emotions of fear and doubt are foremost in my soul and feelings of abandonment overhwelm me; I choose to trust in your unfailing love, my heart will rejoice in your salvation. I will sing unto you Lord, for you have been good to me.

I trust your heart and your intentions towards me. I realize that there is power in powerlessness. I know that the way I was taught to cope with the transitions and changes of life when I was younger led me to illusions of my own strength. My mind would always obsess about what happened and my emotions would reel out of control. I would feel sad and depressed and nightmares would plague me. I would sometimes find myself filled with rage and hatred and yet other times, to my horror, I would find myself missing the good I saw in that person. The feelings of guilt, shame, and worthlessness were overwhelming. I always felt abandoned by you. As a solution, I would try to pretend as if it never happened, eventually letting anger and hatred fill my heart with thoughts of revenge. Then, I would shut the door on that part of my life and lock it tight, forcing my mind to never think of it again. Then I would set out to prove to the world and myself my true worth and competency. In the end, I would eventually just give up all together.

From then on, everytime I experience turn or transition in life I feel caught between my strenghts and my weaknesses all over again. All of the mental and emotional chaos of the abuse of my past is brought up again. It feels like I am trapped and there is no way out.

But I have come to realize that there is power in powerlessness. For that is when you heal the brokenhearted and bind up peoples wounds. I have learned to expect disappointment in life, but by trusting your faithfulness, I find hope.

Bring all of my pain, shame, and anger caused by this new situation into the light. I want to take notice of these things and offer them up to you. I no longer desire a quick escape but rather, true healing. I do not want to rely on drugs, alcohol, or sexual promiscuity. I do not want to be overwhelmed by irrational fear and extreme insecurity. Nor do I want to pour myself into work or achievement or pretend like what happened doesn't bother me anymore.

During this time of healing give me the eyes to see and ears to hear. Make everyones intentions and motives transparent to me so that I may know when to listen and when to disregard. Help me to see in advance what kind of effects each opportunity i'm presented with will have on my life, so that I may know what is beneficial and what is not. Make me extremely sensitive to your Spirit's warnings and encouragements. I want to do the right thing for you Lord, so have mercy on me, fill me with your Spirit, bless me with wisdom and understanding so I may be healed.

In your Son's beautiful name I pray....

Amen!

Commitment

As I was reading my bible today God began to reveal to me some things. Here is what I know for sure....

• I am not the same person I was 1 year ago, or even 6 months ago.
• I have been saved by the grace of God, and desire to give that grace to everyone in the world, no matter how great of a debt their record holds.
• I want God's will for my life, even if that means crucifying my own selfish ambitions and desires.
• I am a daughter of the King, I need not be afraid, for he will fight my battles for me. I do not have to waste my time worrying, being sad, anxious, fearful, afraid, scared, or anything. I know that he will provide enough love for me to be happy all of my days. And if he wills me to be married, then I know that that person will love and respect me the way God intended.
• I do have a family and a community who is there for me 24/7 and who really do love me sacrificially.

This is the point in my old life when I would typically go the wrong direction. I would be lead astray by the superficial love of other men. I went straight to another relationship, seeking to love and be loved.

But now, in my new life as a daughter of Christ, I am acknowledging that past failure and refusing to go down that road. I am going to take the time to grieve, be angry, forgive, heal, re-focus on God, and move on in a contentment of my relationship with him. I am going to delight myself in the Lord, knowing he will give me the desires of my heart (meaning love, security, acceptance, and respect). I will not fill this time of grieving with temporary fixes, nor will I lead another man's heart astray so I may experience temporary fufillment.

It is time for me and God to have some one-on-one time. His love always awakens my heart and rejuvenates my soul. He fills me with hope, joy, faith, love, peace, and other kinds of goodness. Pray for me as I go at this the right way for the first time in my life. I do not want to get caught up in any kind of emotional circumstance that will sway my heart one way or the other. I know I am being emptied so I may be filled again.

God is Faithful, God is Love, God is Just, God is True and I trust in Him.

Baptism

Today was amazing. Today was my wedding day with God. Him and I have been engaged for a quite a while, we've been off and on for even longer... but today was the day I made him the Lord of my life.

Strongholds = Gone

Lies from Satan = Forgotten

Sins = Forgiven

Me = Redeemed

All my doubt, guilt, and shame has been replaced with Joy and Love.

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." -- Zephaniah 3:17

Beauty

Serenity and inner beauty come when we wait upon God. 'Waiting' like that is not merely wasting time.

The recipe for beauty is to have less illusion and more Soul, to retreat from the belief of pain or pleasure in the body into the unchanging calm and glorious freedom of spiritual harmony.

Within each of us, just waiting to blossom, is the wonderful promise of all we can be.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and loved?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Outer beauty catches ones attention; but inner beauty captures the heart.

True beauty is shown not in the sunshine of life but in the storms.

You Are More - Tenth Avenue North

I still believe...

I will praise the Lord with all my heart.

Great are your works; everyone who meditates on them is filled with joy.

Help me to remember your wonders.

Lord, you are gracious and compassionate.

You always provide and remember your covenant forever.

You have shown me the power of your works..

The works of your hands are faithful and just;

all of your precepts are trustworthy.

They are steadfast forever and ever, done in faithfulness and uprightness.

To you belongs eternal praise!!!

You raise me up...

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up... To more than I can be.