"Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases." -Psalm 103:2-3

I read this verse two times yesterday. First, in my Esther Bible Study by Beth Moore, Second, in my e-mail as a daily bible verse from the KLOVE radio station. I love it when that happens. I was urged to tell my story because of it, so I am going to... eventually.

Suprisingly... this is quiet hard. I can tell it quickly but I feel as if writing it is more difficult. Possibly because it's easy for me to say things without thinking about them but when you write you are forced to think about what you are writing.

It's really hard not to understand everything about your past. And what is so interesting is that I can talk to people about it comfortable... I can even help other girls who have been through the same stuff as I have... I have accepted the forgiveness from God. But for some reason my "past" still evidently has effects on my life, every single day! Funny how that works huh?

This may seem random but it's kind of like those "ABOUT ME" sections on profiles/facebook/blogs and such! Those are the hardest things in the world for me to fill out. What are we supposed to write? Typically what happens when people ask me to tell them about myself I end up telling them my whole past because I dont know what else to say. I haven't figured out what everything means yet; sometimes I wonder if I will ever really know. Because my attitude about my past is healthy (for the most part). I have forgiven the people who needed to be forgiven and let go of all anger and bitterness. So why does it still have it's effects? How long is it going to take before I can accurately fill out an "ABOUT ME" section on a profile...

There are very few people in the world who can tell me who I actually am. Possibly only two. Both their names start with "J." They know's who they are. I don't know why one of them really understands but he does. I wish he could just sit me down, explain to me who I am and what I'm supposed to do and then go on living normally.

And the other one could, but he just works in mysterious ways that are exhilerating but so frustrating at times. (*Cough*Jesus*Cough*)

Well, I'm going to a dentist appointment. This was a rambling mess and definately wasn't what I intended it to be but oh well.

GOOD LUCK FIGURING OUT THIS MESS OF WORDS ON A COMPUTER SCREEN. :) HAVE A NICE DAY!

Revive Lyrics "Blink" (plus video)

Teach me to number my days

And count every moment before it slips away

Taking all the colors before they fade to gray

I don’t want to miss even just a second more of this

It happens in a blink

It happens in a flash

It happens in the time it takes to look back

I try to hold on tight, but there’s no stopping time

What is it I’ve done with my life

It happens in a blink

When it’s all said and done

No one remembers how far we have run

The only thing that matters is how we have loved

I don’t want to miss even just a second more of this

It happens in a blink

it happens in a flash

it happens in the time it takes to look back

I try to hold on tight but there’s no stopping time

What is it I’ve done with my life

It happens in a blink

Slow down, slow down

Before today becomes our yesterday

Slow down, slow down

Before you turn around and it’s too late

It happens in a blink

it happens in a flash

it happens in the time it takes to look back

I try to hold on tight but there’s no stopping time

What is it I’ve done with my life

It happens in a blink

My First Confession

Since my life is way to complex to go and explain all things. I'm going to pretend as if you already know me. Here is my first confession which was burdening my heart as I was watching my little brothers at swimming lessons today.


So I have come to realize that I have become calloused to the pain that I cause my mother. Granted, she isn’t perfect and we don’t always get along, but when I cause her pain by talking harshly, I don’t think I feel remorse like I should.

Also, with Jared. How I treated him was a crime of passion. It wasn’t knowledge, love, or understanding. It was loathing and hatred. I treated him and the military as if they hold no intrinsic value to society. And what’s even worse is that, although my sorrow is genuine, I expect him to forget about it, heal his heart quickly and get over it. When really he is thinking, “the very person who I love so dearly, who made my life fall completely apart, wonders why I can’t get it together.”

I guess the evils of my own heart are being revealed. I hate seeing it because it seems as though the hurt that I have caused all these people is irrevocable. How can I begin to show my mother love piled on top of twenty years of meanness. How can I begin to show the love of my life, my one and only, that my remorse is real and heal his heart of the pain in which I have put him through. How can I begin to put my mother’s world, and my lover’s world back together when I don’t even understand my own.