Heavenly Father,
I don't know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future. Even though powerful emotions of fear and doubt are foremost in my soul and feelings of abandonment overhwelm me; I choose to trust in your unfailing love, my heart will rejoice in your salvation. I will sing unto you Lord, for you have been good to me.
I trust your heart and your intentions towards me. I realize that there is power in powerlessness. I know that the way I was taught to cope with the transitions and changes of life when I was younger led me to illusions of my own strength. My mind would always obsess about what happened and my emotions would reel out of control. I would feel sad and depressed and nightmares would plague me. I would sometimes find myself filled with rage and hatred and yet other times, to my horror, I would find myself missing the good I saw in that person. The feelings of guilt, shame, and worthlessness were overwhelming. I always felt abandoned by you. As a solution, I would try to pretend as if it never happened, eventually letting anger and hatred fill my heart with thoughts of revenge. Then, I would shut the door on that part of my life and lock it tight, forcing my mind to never think of it again. Then I would set out to prove to the world and myself my true worth and competency. In the end, I would eventually just give up all together.
From then on, everytime I experience turn or transition in life I feel caught between my strenghts and my weaknesses all over again. All of the mental and emotional chaos of the abuse of my past is brought up again. It feels like I am trapped and there is no way out.
But I have come to realize that there is power in powerlessness. For that is when you heal the brokenhearted and bind up peoples wounds. I have learned to expect disappointment in life, but by trusting your faithfulness, I find hope.
Bring all of my pain, shame, and anger caused by this new situation into the light. I want to take notice of these things and offer them up to you. I no longer desire a quick escape but rather, true healing. I do not want to rely on drugs, alcohol, or sexual promiscuity. I do not want to be overwhelmed by irrational fear and extreme insecurity. Nor do I want to pour myself into work or achievement or pretend like what happened doesn't bother me anymore.
During this time of healing give me the eyes to see and ears to hear. Make everyones intentions and motives transparent to me so that I may know when to listen and when to disregard. Help me to see in advance what kind of effects each opportunity i'm presented with will have on my life, so that I may know what is beneficial and what is not. Make me extremely sensitive to your Spirit's warnings and encouragements. I want to do the right thing for you Lord, so have mercy on me, fill me with your Spirit, bless me with wisdom and understanding so I may be healed.
In your Son's beautiful name I pray....
Amen!
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